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by Kaz All the noses had a party In the month of May Snots and boogers tried to get in But were turned away Some were stuffed and some were snorting And some of them were blown Everybody picked on Nose Job For being so well known Schnoz and Honker sniffed at Nasal And tried to pull his hair While Snooty stayed above it all By being in the air The noses that were brown blew smoke At noses that were ruddy The whole affair did not conclude Till every nose was bloody
A One Act Play by Kaz Setting: The research and development offices of Hubble Bubble Chewing Gum Company, fine makers of novelty toys and bubble gum cards. We see Ira Shwartz sitting at his desk on the phone holding a small toy. Ira: Wang, Wang. Listen, Wang. You got the Snot Rockets all wrong. First of all they’re suppose to be three inches and you gave me one and a half inches. Right, a three inch plastic nose. And it’s suppose to be a Caucasian nose. This one’s yellow. It’s for the American market. I don’t care what color noses are in Hong Kong. Ours are pink. Yes that’s right ,Wang I have a pink nose. No, my nose is not three inches long. It needs to be that size to fit the snot shooter inside. And where are the warts that I asked for? The warts on the nose. Look at the blueprints. There’s three warts on the drawing. Warts. Hard round lumps on the skin. They’re caused by a virus. No, I don’t want them seperate. Just follow the blueprint. What do you mean an extra ten thousand dollars? Everything I’m saying is in the contract. Remember, the trigger in the nose has got to shoot a jelly-like substance. The trigger you got in here is too powerful. They’re snots not bullets. It wouldn’t be bad if this was a booger rocket toy but all the labels and ad copy have been printed already saying Snot Rockets. All right let’s go over this again. The kid holds up the plastic nose. Presses the button in the right nostril and a green-candy jelly-like substance shoots out of the left nostril. Grosses everyone out. What’s that, Wang? No, we got a company in Singapore making the snots. It’s suppose to …
Black Box Recording #1 What follows are transcripts of the last ten minutes of Black Box recordings recovered from the rubble of three airplanes.. Dec 20th 1995 aboard on a United Airlines Boing 757 jet. Captain: Hey, I forgot to ask you what happened to you last night. First Officer: Ugh, you don’t want to know. Captain: That bad, huh? F. O.: She brought her twin sister with her. Captain: That doesn’t sound so bad. F.O.: That’s what I thought at first. As a matter of fact it looked like we were going to get into a threesome. They were drinking White Russians all night only they weren’t white. Captain: Black Russians. Vodka and Kaluha. Chicago still hasn’t got back us on our approach. Looks like a storm up ahead. What’s the radar say? F.O.: All clear. Not a cloud in the sky. Captain: That’s odd. Anyway, the computer’s never wrong. If it weren’t for the automatic pilot I’d actually have to fly this fucking thing. F.O.: Don’t scare me like that. You can barely work the toilet. Captain: I know. And I forgot my glasses today. (He laughs). F.O.: Don’t you have contacts? Captain: Only at the FAA. (He laughs). So anyway, you got these twins juiced up on Black Russians and… F.O.: Yeah, so I mention to them that I’ve always had this fantasy to fuck a pair of twins. Only, I didn’t say fuck. I said make love. Captain: Smooth. F.O.: And they really started to get turned onto this idea. Captain: Oh man. F.O.: So I slowly begin to usher them into the bedroom. They’re giggling all the way like a couple of school girls. Then they say that they’re going to do a strip tease for me. Only they need another drink to work up …
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Jokes like this have been made about blood sucking before. Sergio Aragones in Mad had a great strip back in the 70’s about a vampire sucking a hippy’s blood and tripping. And the FX TV show version of What We Do in the Shadows did this idea three weeks ago. My version is more deadly
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